ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
