There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize