My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
