My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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