I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
