life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
