I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
