DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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