the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
