Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
