dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
