I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
