I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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