I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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