you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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