god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
