The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
