Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
