Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
