I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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