i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
