Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
