my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
