I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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