You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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