She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
