I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
