her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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