I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize