thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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