Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
