It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
