Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize