I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
