So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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