I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize