It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
