WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
