??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
