we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
