I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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