I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
