I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
