I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Pooping to opera.
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