yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
