I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
