just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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