dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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