I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
