Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
