Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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