Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
