John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
