So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
