Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
