just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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